Things Stupid People Do at Strip Clubs

If you do any of the following things at a strip club, you will be a jackass and all of us strippers will roll our eyes at you behind your back and laugh about how stupid you are in the dressing rooms.  And so will the waitresses and bartenders and bouncers and managers, and other, better customers.

1.  Give Strippers Commands

You might think it’s cute to order a stripper, “let me see your tits”, or “turn around and grind on me”, but it’s not.  Strippers are entertainers; if we think it’s a good idea to grind on you, we will, but most of the time it’s not a good idea.  We are in charge of our performance, not you.  It’s important that customers respect this – for art’s sake as well as our safety.  You are not in charge.  Do not try to be in charge; you will make yourself look stupid.  There is no one-size fits all fantasy, and, accordingly, every stripper develops a unique style to fit her personality.  Some slow, sensuous styles do not mesh well with spontaneous grinding and flashing, and your attempt to project your own style of eroticism onto a random entertainer is a show of ignorance and disrespect.  If you want a grinder-flasher at a strip-club, look for a dancer who does that kind of thing.  We are under no obligation to perform in a way that suits you, hence the appropriate way to encourage a particular type of performance is to tip well when you see it. 

2.  Attempt Price Negotiations

Most strippers have personal minimums for lap-dances and VIP sessions, which may be higher or lower than any existing club-regulation minimums.  This is her estimation of the value of her labor, risk, talent, and time.  As you have no basis to judge her labor, risk, and time (and talent only if she has performed for you before), you are not qualified to issue a different price. You have no way of knowing whether there are other patrons present or shortly expected to arrive who will pay her well; you have no sense of relative supply and demand. If the price she names is beyond your budget, tell her so. She may adjust her price, or not. Don’t stand there trying to argue with her about it; you sound like a moron trying to convince her she charges too much when she has dozens of people paying her exactly that every night she works.

3. Initiate Physical Contact

Do not try to pull her clothes off. Do not grope, grab, or whip your dick out. Just as seeing food on display in a market isn’t an invitation for you to walk up and down the aisles ripping open boxes and licking produce, entering a strip-club doesn’t remove you to an alternate universe where random strangers are totally cool with you feeling them up. If you think seeing a naked body part means you have the right to do anything at all with that naked body part, you’re a moron who probably no one wants to date. Consent is a thing, even in strip-clubs.

4. Get Offended When A Stripper Asks for Money

It takes a special kind of self-delusional imbecile to walk into a strip club with no intention of compensating the entertainers. Self-delusional because to do so one would have to convince himself it was a regular club where hot chicks just happened to be teetering around topless in six-inch heels, eager to flirt and agree with everything he says. You chose to go to the strip-club, because of the strippers. We’re providing value to your experience, even if all we’ve done is walk, half-naked, across your line of vision.

You know we’re ok with you looking at us. You know if you smile at us, we’ll smile back. You know you can relax and enjoy the scenery because it is the stripper’s job to spend hours getting glammed up and being available for you to look. When a stripper engages you in conversation, she’s spending time with you that she might have spent with someone else. And if it’s an excellent conversation, and you enjoy each others’ company, it’s not hypocritical of her to expect compensation. Just as a cab driver or waitress who happens to be your friend wouldn’t expect you to stiff them on the tip, a stripper with whom you feel friendly shouldn’t have to deal with your outrage when she suggests that you take her for a dance. If you don’t want to dance, that’s fine – give her a tip anyway. No one’s trying to fool you; strippers work at strip-clubs. We are there to do a job, and you’re there to benefit from our labor, whether you take a private dance or not.

5. Answer “Hi, what’s your name?” with “I’m all set.”

It doesn’t make grammatical sense to answer a question that way, so you look stupid on that account. Declaring “I’m all set!” in response to a stripper’s greeting is rude. Maybe you don’t want a dance – fine, so wait for me to ask you for a dance to reject me. For all you know, I just want to have a conversation (I’ve had some good really good ones with people who told me up front they didn’t have any intention of dancing, just because I like to talk). If you don’t want to converse, that’s fine, too – then say, as you would to any human being who starts talking to you in a public place, “Can we save this talk for later?” or, “Thank you, but I’d like to be alone right now.” The important thing is to respond to the actual content of her overture, rather than issue some kneejerk rejection to assumed subtext because, hey, that’s a real live person talking to you and maybe she just complimented your shirt, because she likes your shirt!

6. Tell a Stripper to “Be Real”, “Be Honest”, “Cut the Bullshit”, “Tell me What you Really Think,” etc.

Stupid customers very often interrupt conversation with strippers this way. The trigger might be anything, from a too-big smile (as judged by said stupid customer), to the customer’s own question regarding why I’m a dancer, where I live, what my real name is, etc. These are customers who expect to be bullshitted and believe they can avoid being bullshitted by ordering the entertainer not to bullshit, or else feel a level of security in pre-emptively dismissing everything the dancer says as bullshit. His grounds for disbelieving her is her profession, so in essence he is asking her to stop being a stripper, right that very second and for exactly as long as she is talking to him.

Strippers may adopt personas, with fake names, to maintain divisions between work life and real life. It’s not surprising in an industry that is so wildly popular and at the same time so roundly vilified; many dancers feel the need to distance themselves from the actual entertaining. It is not for you to ask where her image ends and her reality begins. She will be as real with you as she feels comfortable being, and your telling her to be real with you will have no impact on that.

Whether or not you get something real out of the strip club experience depends as much on your mentality as on the talent of your entertainer, and if you’ve made up your mind that you’re not going to get anything real out of it then you can’t blame anyone else when that’s exactly what happens. Like a heckler at a magic-show, your average strip-club-skeptic is quite the dumbass.

7. Offer Strippers Advice on How to Do Their Jobs

Don’t tell me I’ll make more money by dressing more sluttily. Don’t tell me I should talk about sucking dick. Don’t advise me on my music or my moves or my target clientele or my use of my time. If you think that you know more than I do about making money as a stripper, you are an idiot. Your experience as one individual who goes to a strip-club sometimes is not more valuable than my experience as an entertainer who engages hundreds of patrons on a regular basis.

8. Speak for Your Friends

Whether you think your friend is interested in me or isn’t, you’re doing a disservice to them and to me by speaking on their behalf. You’ll waste my time telling me someone is interested in me who isn’t, and that shy friend you’re sure won’t want to talk to me may benefit immensely from the soft touch of a professional socialite. Believe it or not, making shy people comfortable is something most of us strippers know how to do, better than you. It’s in the job description.

9. Ask me on a Date

ESPECIALLY if you don’t intend to accept a private dance or otherwise compensate the time I’ve spent entertaining you. That’s like going to a restaurant and telling the waitress, “No, I’m not going to buy any food or give you money. But can you come to my house and serve my dinner later?” If you want me to take you seriously as a potential date, you have to take me seriously as an entertainer and a professional. You have to respect my job and the fact that my time has value.

There are other complicating factors as well. As an entertainer, my job revolves around fantasy, and crossing the line into your reality is a breach of conduct on my behalf. (Read “The Champagne Room – What You’re Really Paying For” if you’re not sure what I mean). Accepting an offer for a date creates a conflict-of-interest that may compromise what I do as an entertainer.

10. Act Jealous

Anyone who huffs that he saw me earlier talking to another guy is very, very out of touch with the concept of strip-clubs. Don’t be an idiot. It’s not girlfriends-r-us. It’s my job to talk to those other guys. Don’t expect me to sit by your side and keep you company all night after paying for one dance. If you want my undivided attention for any length of time, the appropriate thing to do is to pay for a session in VIP.

11. Remark, with your Eyebrows Raised in Shock, “You’re Smart!”

12. Bring Your Girlfriend

Unless she reads and agrees to also abide by these rules and regulations, paying special note to the “don’t advise me in how to do my job”, “don’t initiate physical contact”, and “don’t be cheap” clauses. In addition, she must not be offended if I ask you for a dance, and she must not sit on your lap when you sit near the stage and make grossed-out faces when the dancers come near you, preventing you from giving them money.

If you want to be one of those customers that everybody loves and is genuinely glad to see, don’t do anything above, and plan to spend some money. A lesser-known method of earning brownie points is to cheer for the dancers on stage. Even veteran dancers can get stage-fright and on a slow night it’s really demoralizing to take off your clothes and not have anything to show for it. If you’re all out of dollars but you think the lady on stage is doing a fine job, telling her so will pluck her spirits up and give her an extra boost of confidence for the rest of the night.

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